White Rabbit

In 2010, I went on a Caribbean cruise with my buddy Dave and his family. I was the solo Canadian among six Brits, and despite being picked on for not enunciating my “t’s”, I had a wonderful time with my friends. It was a time of restoration, exploration, and celebration. Dave and his wife Jo were celebrating their 25th anniversary, and Dave’s mum, Margaret, was celebrating her 80th birthday.

Margaret is your typical English gran – proper and delicate, except when the band started to play! Boy, that woman can cut a rug! She was the first on the dance floor, and the last one off, and if there’s any such thing as a dance-hangover, Margaret had one every morning.

She was the last to join us for breakfast one day, looking a bit rough.  She clearly over did it the night before – it was Disco night on the Lido Deck and she out hustled, bumped, and YMCAed us all, including Juan, the cruise dance instructor, who was in his 20s! I think she broke him.

“Good morning Margaret. How are you feeling?” I asked.  The petite woman didn’t utter a word until she took a sip of her tea, and then said, “White rabbit.”

I cocked my head wondering if I heard her correctly, but no one batted an eye. Then she said it again.  Holy sh*t, was this poor woman having a stroke? Then, one by one, the others at the table followed suit.

“White rabbit.”

“White rabbit.”

“White rabbit.”

What the?!

Margaret went on to explain that uttering “white rabbit” first thing in the morning, on the first of the month, is meant to bring good luck for the rest of the month.  Oooookaaaay… whatever floats your boat. My culture is not without its superstitions, so who am I to judge.

I completely forgot about Margaret’s tradition until I started the blog two years ago, when I decided that the first of the month would be my weigh-in day. Before stepping on the scale, I’d whisper, “white rabbit” under my breath, praying that the weight loss gods would be kind.  For the most part they were, but over the last four months, I dreaded the first of the month, the scale, and that freaking white rabbit, which I’ve been wanting to fricassee ever since!

My post is late because I’ve been procrastinating disclosing this month’s numbers. Last month I got away without reporting my stats because I was on vacation. I secretly hoped that having an extra month would buy me time to get back on track, but my addiction has a grip on me stronger than ever before. Every time I step on the scale I’m shocked at how the needle defies gravity and continues to skyrocket toward the stratosphere of my worst nightmares! How is it humanly possible to gain at this rate? I know, evil elves must be secretly sewing lead into the hem of my jeans while I sleep! But I weigh-in naked, so there goes that theory.

You are either in recovery or relapse if you are an addict. I am not in recovery. I know it, and so does EVERYBODY else.  A fellow in program who hasn’t seen me in a while asked how I was doing. When I said I was struggling, she scanned me from head to toe, focusing on my saddlebags of truth and said, “I can see that”. Ouch! But what am I pissed off at? Her having eyeballs, or me shoveling food down my throat the same way they do to fatten a duck to make foie gras?

Unlike most addictions, I can’t hide mine, so there’s no use putting this off any longer – it’s not like anybody who interacts with me face-to-face can’t see I’m in serious relapse – but I’m embarrassed to reveal just how off the beam I’ve been to those of you who follow me via the blog. It’s equally as embarrassing asking to “borrow” the size 10, 12, and 14 clothes I passed on to my friend since I can’t get into the size 8 clothes in my closet (lucky for me, she’s pregnant and won’t have use for them until after the baby is born!).

They say in program the only way to be successful is to be honest. I have not been honest with my sponsor, my fellows, or myself. I know lying about eating isn’t one of the top ten no-no’s on Moses’ tablets, but when it comes to my mental, emotional, and physical health, I have to be honest, otherwise I can’t get the help I need.

I’m dejected, but not defeated. I hear testimonies of hope from fellows in program who’ve been in longer periods of relapse, and have not only reclaimed their recovery, but are maintaining it, and it all started with being honest. So, here’s the truth of where I am in my illness:

  • I’m currently in its clutches.
  • I’ve been eating in secret until I my hips, butt, and thighs outed me.
  • I’ve eaten to the point of blackout – something I’ve never experience before, proving that addiction is progressive.
  • I have not been living a weighed and measured life. I’m still an all or nothing gal and either jump all in, or don’t even try. When my life is out of balance, so is my eating.
  • I’ve been pissed off at my Higher Power… but I’m coming to see that I’m treating Him like a genie expecting my prayers and wishes to be granted. When they don’t I spite Him, and the rest of the world by eating. It’s an “I’ll show you, I’ll kill me!” sort of dance I’ve been doing with the Almighty.
  • My addiction isn’t just physical, it’s driven my mental and emotional state, especially when I’m not living in the present… my heart has either been wallowing in yesterday’s regret and remorse; or my head is spiraling in tomorrow’s dread and worry. I know I can’t control the past or the future, but I sure have been trying to suppress the feelings they bring up with food.

They say the truth will set you free (and so will letting go of the Doritos). So here I go again, admitting my powerlessness over my drug and the reality of my current state.  *Sigh*

Until the next white rabbit hops along, I wish you all peace and serenity.

To find out how much I gained over the last two months, click here… brace yourself, it’ll be a shocker!

Thank you once again to the talented Nathan C. Younger for his awesome illustrations!

A Year In Review

2015 was the year of Caitlyn Jenner, Pope Francis, the man bun, and for me, the life-changing experiment that was 12 in 12.  A few days from now, we will unveil 2016, a blank canvas waiting to be painted. I find this both exciting and distressing at the same time. On the one hand I feel the excitement and rush of new possibilities! On the other hand, the uncertainty of an unknown future fills me with dread. The only thing that quells the anxiety is to ring in the New Year with a resolution, which makes me feel like I have some sort of control.

According to Statistic Brain Research Institute, I am one of 45% of the population that make New Year’s resolutions, and guess which one tops the list… weight loss.  Not only does the diet industry know this, they count on it, and they cash in big as a result.

Do you think it’s a coincidence that Oprah not only bought shares in Weight Watchers just before resolution season, but has also become their celebrity spokesperson? And how about all those new diet claims lining the shelves in your favourite bookstore this time of year? With the sheer volume of plans, I could have kept my experiment going until I became a centenarian! And it doesn’t stop there. Not only is the next season of NBC’s The Biggest Loser set to air on January 4th (just a few days into your resolve), but ABC is launching their new reality weight loss show called, My Diet is Better than Yours, a few days later.

“There are thousands of diets promising to help people lose weight, but choosing the diet that will actually work is a different matter. Our new format sets out to narrow the choice by selecting six diverse and revolutionary diet plans and, for the first time ever, testing these methods on TV in a real life experiment.”  

– Chris Coelen, My Diet is Better Than Yours

SOUND FAMILIAR!!!!!  The show is Searching For My After’s 12 in 12 experiment, but with a honking budget and commercials! But I digress…

Where was I? Ah yes, New Year’s resolutions… perhaps you’re looking at adding weight loss to your resolution list. Maybe you too are looking with abject terror at the filled to bursting fitness section in your local bookstore. Maybe this is your first time on this website and you have no idea what I’m talking about. Well don’t worry… I’ve put together a summary of each of the plans I tested during 12 in 12, highlighting my stats, my likes and dislikes, and the lessons learned while I was on them to help you narrow down your search.

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Month 1: The Start Here Diet

Pounds lost: -9.4

% weight loss: -3.70

Liked: Excellent plan to ease back into dieting.

Disliked: Eliminating trigger foods cold turkey.

Lesson Learned: Even a small step is a step in the right direction!

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Month 2: Weight Watchers

Pounds lost: -6.8

% weight loss: -2.78

Liked: No food is off limits.

Disliked: Weighing, measuring, calculating, and tracking, every morsel was tedious.

Lesson Learned: Learned to recalibrate portion sizes.

 

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Month 3: Paleo

Pounds lost:-9.3

% weight loss: -3.91

Liked: Very simple to follow.

Disliked: Got a bit constipated eating protein at each meal. Missed whole grains.

Lesson Learned: Pre-historic (aka pre-processed) rules!

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Month 4: Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type

Pounds lost: -4.5

% weight loss: -1.97

Liked: The app listing your beneficial-neutral-avoid foods was handy when I went grocery shopping, or planned a meal.

Disliked: Still craved foods on my avoid list.

Lesson Learned: One size does not fit all.

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Month 5: The Mediterranean Diet

Pounds lost: -5.3

% weight loss: -2.37

Liked: Loved the social aspect of the plan, and looked forward to having dessert once a week.

Disliked: Pushed the boundaries and ate more cheese, bread, and olive oil than I should have.

Lesson Learned: Enjoying a meal with family and friends makes the food taste better : )

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Month 6: Whole Food, Plant-Based

Pounds lost: -4.5

% weight loss: -2.06

Liked: The most ethical and humane of all the plans, plus I pooped 3 times a day – whoohoo!!!

Disliked: Never felt full.

Lesson Learned: Mother Nature knows best and provides everything we need.

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Month 7: The Biggest Loser

Pounds lost: -5.4

% weight loss: -2.52

Liked: 1,500 calories a day is very doable.

Disliked: Dreaded exercise – didn’t enjoy the monotonous machines at the gym.

Lesson Learned: Progress, not perfection.

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Month 8: The 8-Hour Diet

Pounds lost: +2.8

% weight loss: +1.53

Liked: Fasting gave my body a chance to recharge.

Disliked: Only plan I gained weight on – you can’t tell a food addict they can eat whatever they want because they will!

Lesson Learned: Make time for rest.

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Month 9: The Hormone Diet

Pounds lost: -6.6

% weight loss: -3.12

Liked: My sleep improved tremendously – yay!

Disliked: Most expensive program at $700 for the month (naturopath visits and supplements).

Lesson Learned: We must make adjustments for different stages and phases in life.

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Month 10: Twelve-Step Program for Food Addicts

Pounds lost: -5.9

% weight loss: -2.88

Liked: After eliminating flour, wheat and sugar, my taste buds were alive and food tasted better, and I didn’t get one hot flash when I was off sugar!

Disliked: Restrictive – made eating in ‘real life’ situations (i.e. dining out, meetings, etc.) tough.

Lesson Learned: Live life one day at a time, and meals one bite at a time.

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Month 11: The Gabriel Method

Pounds lost: -2.2

% weight loss: -1.10

Liked: Meditation exercises and being in nature grounded me : )

Disliked: Guided visualization felt like hypnosis.

Lesson Learned: Question and challenge limiting beliefs.

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Month 12: A Course In Weight Loss

Pounds lost: -1.9

% weight loss: -0.96

Liked: With every lesson, I went deeper within myself and reconnected with God, and the real me : )

Disliked: Felt a bit new age.

Lesson Learned: Self-love conquers all – even a plate full of Oreos.

Don’t let the diet industry spoon feed you – test the plans out yourself!  You might find one suits you perfectly right off the rack, or you might have to tailor one by combining your favourite elements from a few of them like I did.

I hope it helps you narrow your choice, and you don’t have to be on a reality weight loss show to find out!

What A Difference A Year Makes

A year ago today, repulsed at my 253.8 lbs. self, I decided to give dieting one last try – I vowed to get to my goal weight once and for all, or resign myself to a life of stretchy pants.  Equipped with an album full of before photos and a library bursting with diet books all proclaiming to have the solution to my plus-sized problem, I set off on a quest for my after shot, which has eluded me in the last three decades of searching.

As with any expedition, I needed a guide to help me navigate along the way. In my case, I enlisted twelve such experts in the past year, each claiming they knew the route to the size 10 Shangri-La that my size 22 self, sought. Each guide took me through the scenic and diverse landscape of the diet and exercise world – some covering familiar territory, others foreign.


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Month 1 – Tosca Reno, creator of The Start Here Diet asked me to (1) dive inward and identify my emotional triggers for overeating, (2) uncover my hidden foods and eliminate them, and (3) ease into exercising by moving a little.


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Month 2 – I attended weekly Weight Watchers meetings and used their unique accounting system, which assigned a point value to food and exercise. Everything had to be weighed, measured, and tracked, before I could eat it.


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Month 3 – Paleo channelled my inner CaveMare and had me eating like my hairy knuckled, grunting forefathers did before me. Brontosaurs burgers – good. Grains, dairy, legumes – bad.


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Month 4 – In his plan Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type, Dr. Peter D’Adamo categorized the foods and exercises for each of the four blood types as either beneficial, neutral, or avoid. My ‘O’ blood type meant saying au revoir to crispy bacon and my morning cup of joe.


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Month 5 – The Mediterranean Diet had me returning to my cultural roots, enjoying unprocessed foods and beverages from Italy and the surrounding region, as well as incorporating simple daily activity, like walking, and social interaction to boost mental and emotional health.


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Month 6 – I joined forces with the beautiful and inspiring Michelle Riccio of Tit Happens, who coached me through the Whole Food, Plant-Based Diet. We ate ‘face-free’, unprocessed, unrefined, nutrient rich fruits, vegetables, legumes, whole grains, and healthy fats.


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Month 7 – My friend and fitness trainer, Nikki Kamphuis, got me moving when I tested The Biggest Loser 30-Day Jump Start program, which models the hit show’s format of eating a 1,500 calories a day, coupled with daily exercise.


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Month 8 – The creators of The 8-Hour Diet, had me watching the clock, stating I could eat whatever I wanted within an 8 hour period, so long as I ‘ate my eight’, and started my day with a minimum of 8 minutes of exercise.  Outside of these 8 hours, I had to fast.


marilina-chibi-hormone-paleo 001Month 9 – Toronto’s own Dr. Natasha Turner claimed I could optimize my fat burning potential with The Hormone Diet. I went to her clinic for one-on-one care and was given a customized a food and supplement plan which addressed my hormone imbalances, as well as my unbearable hot flashes.


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Month 10 – I attended weekly meeting at various Twelve Step Programs for Food Addicts, a fellowship that has members abstain from addictive foods containing flour, wheat, and sugar.


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Month 11 – Jon Gabriel, creator of The Gabriel Method guided me through visualization and meditation exercises claiming they would turn off my FAT Programs.


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Month 12 – In A Course In Weight Loss, I worked through Marianne Williamson’s 21 spiritual lessons designed to address compulsive overeating by replacing fear with love.


I want to thank all my guides for navigating me to today’s weigh-in. In the past year they’ve helped me cover more ground than any previous attempt, bringing me closer to taking my after photo, which up until now, seemed as plausible as taking a selfie with Sasquatch.

When I stepped on the scale this morning, my eager little fat cells cried, “Are we there yet?! Are we there yet?!”

“At 195.2 lbs. No. Not yet, but we are halfway to after”, I replied. And that’s okay. In fact, that’s great! The point of 12 in 12 was to test a variety of diet claims to see which worked best for my body and my lifestyle.

What A Difference A Year Makes!

In my next post, I will share just how my body responded to each plan, and which I will I continue with for the rest of this journey… and look at that, just in time for resolution season!

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A big thank you to the talented Jennifer Wood for taking my final before and halfway to after photos, the gifted Nathan C. Younger for his fabulous illustrations, and the compassionate Ann DeLuca, my life coach, who help me work through the last quarter of the experiment, which delved into the mental, emotional, and spiritual landscape of this journey.

If you enjoyed this post, or found my yearlong experiment interesting, please share!

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Results for A Course In Weight Loss (the final plan of 12 in 12), click here.

For my Week 52 Food Journal, click here.

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