Falling Up

Have you ever lost your footing and tumbled down stairs? I’ve had a few doozies in my lifetime (my brother-in-law won’t let me forget one in particular, since it happened when I met him for the first time!)… but falling down is easy, what takes skill is falling up. My daughter was masterful at defying gravity and fell up regularly. I came to recognize the unique sound that accompanied her wipe-ups, and now I hear the same sound in my head whenever I break my abstinence and fall up the scale.

In program, they say you’re either in recovery or relapse, and for the last two months I haven’t been able to get, or stay abstinent. I can’t seem to get my head back in the game. I manage a few days’ flour and sugar free, but then I’m jonesing for a hit. With this many tumbles you’re bound to get bruises, and mine are showing up on my spirit, and resolve.  My greatest fear is falling right back up to 259 lbs., and if I keep trending with 5 lbs. monthly gains, like I have for the last 2 months, I’ll be back in my cellulite prison in less than 2 years.

Two weeks ago, I felt so defeated I told my sponsor I was leaving the program. Despite my decision, I decided to go to one last meeting so I could say goodbye to my fellows, who have become like family. Thank God I went! They surrounded with love and support, and urged me not to leave “the rooms”, even if I’m not abstinent. I needed to hear their message of hope, especially from those who lost their abstinence for a prolonged period and eventually got it back.

I know it’s not going to be easy… one fellow likened our experience to falling out of a fast-moving train, and then trying to get back on while it continues to barrel down the tracks! Hard as it may seem, they’ve proven it can be done, so I must tell myself that relapse doesn’t have to mean collapse.

I must also remind myself that information may lead to revelation, but if I don’t act, there won’t be transformation. That’s why I must treat myself as though I’m in intensive care for the next 90 days, so I can focus on my recovery and fully detox.  Once the flour and sugar is out of my system, I’ll feel better physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I know when I’m grounded in these areas, I’ll stop falling up, down, and sidewise!

My prescription for healing will be administered through the tools of the program:

Start my day with 30 minutes of quiet time

Morning and evening readings and prayer

Journaling

Practice gratitude

Make a minimum of 3 outreach calls daily

Attend 3 meetings weekly

Work the 12-Steps

Since there is no time like the present to start getting well, I would like to practice a little gratitude for the remainder of this post.

🙂 I’m grateful that a program of recovery for food addiction exists.

🙂 I’m grateful for the family and friends who continue to support me on my journey, regardless of which direction I’m falling.

🙂 And today, I’m particularly grateful to be celebrating my country’s 150th birthday.  Happy Birthday Canada!

To find out which direction I fell last month, click here.

(Note: I will upload my progress photos in a few days. Believe it or not, my friend Cindy, who normally takes my photos, took a tumble today and injured her foot. Wishing you a speedy recovery my friend!)