Mercury, You Picked The Wrong Girl

Show of hands, who has never woken up on the wrong side of the bed?

*chirping crickets*

Didn’t think so.  Bad days happen to all of us from time to time.  When I was younger I used to fight them tooth and nail, but that would only make matters worse. Now that I’m older and no longer have the energy to wrestle these days from H-E-double-hockey-sticks, I go limp like a willful toddler and let the day carry me where it will until the miserable 24 hours are up.

But what do you do when you wake up on the wrong side of a brand new year? It seems like everything is going bonkers and it’s not letting up. I was whining to a co-worker who seems to be experiencing the same kind of anti-Midas touch, and he explained that Mercury is in retrograde.  I don’t know what that means, but I like that I can blame someone (or something) other than myself for things falling apart around me.

I don’t believe in fortune cookies or follow horoscopes (except when they say I’m going to come into a large sum of money) but according to the all-mighty Google, Mercury, which rules our intelligence, mind, memory, and all types of communication, is retrograding which is just a fancy word for moving backward.  I wish this retrograde would work on my scale and reset me to my pre-Christmas weight!

Anywhoooo, this retrograde is supposed to last from January 5th to January 25th.  During this time, expect everything from technology to communication to breakdown. You’ll lose things, and arguments and typos will abound. I am not going to edit this post, and if it’s full of errors, I’m blaming Mercury.

What’s a girl to do when it seems like the universe is out to get her? It’s one thing when it’s just a bad day, but 3 weeks?! Normally, I swan dive into a vat of calories to get through the tough times, but a 21-day binge will be my December all over again, and I can’t afford to keep retrograding with my weight loss progress.

Apparently, retrogrades are meant to be a contemplative period, and that’s what I find myself doing now. The key to not regaining the weight back (which has been my pattern), lies in looking backwards to learn from my mistakes, so that I don’t end up moving backwards.

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For my Best of The Best Food Journals, click here.

 

Mea Culpa – My Life As A Runaway Ringo

Followers forgive me for I have sinned, this is my confession, and this was my binge…

DECEMBER.

Sweet baby Jesus, I don’t know what happened!!! Right after 12 in 12 ended, I started eating Flexitarian just as I announced.  Then the holiday treats started to appear. I wasn’t too freaked out at first, as my plan allows up to two desserts per week, but by Day 4 into my new program, I exceeded my allotment.

Not to worry, I thought – I just won’t have any desserts next week.  That’s the last thing I remember saying to myself before the Food Sirens, One-Bite and It’s-Okay, made a return appearance, this time bringing their distant cousin, Tis-The-Season with them. They assured me that I’d get back on the bandwagon quicker after having toned and sculpted my willpower muscle during my experiment last year.

Ho ho holy moly, is that 201.2 on the scale? I CROSSED THE LINE!!!! I CROSSED THE BLOODY LINE!  How the heck did I gain 6 lbs. in a month?  Grenades and accusations started going off in my head! What have you done, Mare? You’re nothing but a big, fat, calorie-counting-evangelist phoney, who doesn’t practice what you preach!

I wasn’t going to weigh myself this morning – I wanted the weekend to work off some of the sugar and flush out last night’s high in sodium sushi, but my new year’s resolution is to OWN IT, RETHINK IT, and ultimately RELEASE IT*.

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I know how this happened, but I’m trying to understand why.  My best guess is that I became a “Runaway Ringo”.

When I was a kid, the man down the street had a dog named, Ringo who he didn’t allow in the house. He kept the poor beagle in the garage during the winter months, and locked up in the backyard the rest of the year. He never walked the portly pooch, and only fed him table scraps, primarily pasta and bread. You’d think the story couldn’t get any worse, right? Wrong. Multiply it by six.  It seemed every year or so, the man would replace fat Ringo with a new playful beagle pup, who he also named Ringo. When we asked him what happened to old Ringo, he replied he ran away when the gate was “accidentally” left open.

OWNING IT: I left the diet gate open, and the moment I thought I was “free”, I took off like a Runaway Ringo and stuffed my face at the all-you-can-buffet that was the Christmas season. Santa didn’t force feed me, I did.

RETHINKING IT: It’s obvious I have to tweak my new plan as I can’t be trusted around sugar yet (or ever). The trouble with allowing a food addict two desserts a week is that two becomes four, four becomes eight, and before you know it, you’re knee deep in sugar filled Tribbles. Giving up sugar might be drastic, but it’s a boundary I must stay within.

RELEASING IT: Tomorrow is a new day and I get to start over.

If you also find you’re a Runaway Ringo in an area in your life, I’ve enclosed a link to Andy Stanley’s four-part sermon entitled, Starting Over, where he gives you practical tips on how to own, rethink, and release whatever you’re wrestling with.

To view my hideous monthly results, click here.

To view a message from the slimmed down, sexy Santa who can teach us all a thing or two about dieting, click the video below….