My Hips Don’t Lie Either Shakira!

It’s no secret that I’m on speed dial with the Big Guy upstairs – I actually blogged about a recent tête-à-tête in my last post. We talk about all sorts of things – sometimes I praise Him, thank Him, or just give Him a two-thumbs up whenever I’m in awe of one of the kagillion amazing things He’s created. On occasion, I offer Him suggestions, but apparently He’s good and doesn’t need my input – nevertheless, He amuses me and listens to my ideas anyway. But like most humans, I typically go to Him with my list of needs, wants, complaints, and questions. I can be quite the petulant child tugging at His pant leg asking, why, repeatedly. Why is the sky blue? Why is yawning contagious? Why did You make me a triangle – not a lovely equilateral or isosceles triangle, but the bottom heavy, and dimwittedly named, obtuse triangle?

Triangles with SFMA

I used to wonder if He created me first thing on a Monday morning, before taking a sip of coffee out of His Universe’s Greatest Dad mug. I envisioned Him wiping the sleep from His eyes, and telling the angels to rev the creation conveyor belt as He grabbed a small top from one bin, and an extra-large bottom from another, then super-gluing them together with holy spit, only to realize He assembled me with mismatched parts, after the caffeine kicked in and I was already on planet Earth.

Posing a la Kardashian, but with clothes on.

I know in my head and heart that I am ‘wonderfully made’, but the rest of me wishes I was a bit more proportionally made too. Buying clothes for someone my shape is beyond frustrating! I can’t wear dresses – if I want to get it over my hips, it will be baggy on top. If it fits my boobs, then I can’t get it over my hips.

Designers dress beanpoles and hourglasses, not triangles. You won’t ever see someone like me at the House of Dior, Lauren, or Gucci. My couture comes from the House of Stretchy.

  • Pants: Black, grey, or dark blue.
  • Tops: Anything that rests just above the hips.
  • Sweater: Drape to conceal the transition between the sizes and give the illusion of balance.

And the crown jewel in this ensemble? Spanx. Just one pair is worth more to a triangle than a truckload of Louis Vuitton anything! My hips don’t lie either Shakira, unless I’m wearing Spanx of course, and then they’re outright liars! God, one more question: where the heck does all my fat go when I origami myself into a pair of those miraculous blubbler-smooshers?

Can you imagine what those frou frou designers would say if they had to dress a triangle like me?!

“Oh là là, what iz diz?” as they poke my Pillsbury-dough-girl flanks.

“Mon hips.”

“Mond dieu! And what iz dat, on ze floor?” clutching heart and fighting off dry heaves.

“Chillax, Henri – they’re just my cankles.”

Too bad I wasn’t born in Rubens’ time – I would have been on the cover of Renaissance Vogue!

I was once told I had great birthing hips (yeah, they could get away with saying crap like that in the 80s) – I must admit they did serve me well in that regard. I may have had morning, noon, and night sickness during both my pregnancies, but I popped my kids out like a Pez dispenser during delivery! At least that’s one plus-side to being plus-size!

Vive La Différence!

Since we can’t do anything about our shape, we can learn how to work with we got. According to the fitness experts there are three body types:

  1. Ectomorph: Thin build, long limbs, finds it hard to gain weight
  2. Mesomorph: Athletic, strong, well defined muscles
  3. Endomorph: Soft and round body, short, stocky, slow metabolism (I’m an endo, because I’ve got lots of… end-o).

Then there’s an entirely different list put out by the fashion industry: The Hourglass, The Cello, The Vase, The Pear, The Skillet, The Bell, The Apple, The Column, The Cornet, The Lollipop, The Goblet, and The Brick.

And then there’s Dr. Carolyn Mein, who takes it to a whole new level in her book Different Bodies, Different Diets where she identifies 25 different body types.

imageMein, a chiropractor, acupuncturist, kinesiologist, bio-nutritionist, author and speaker (boy, that’s one busy lady!) claims each person has a major gland, organ, or system that controls how our bodies digests and metabolizes food, therefore, requiring a specific set of rules to live in order to achieve optimal health. She goes on to suggest that our personalities and emotional characteristics align with our body type.

I’ve had this book in my library for over a decade and I haven’t been able to figure out what type I am, but I’ve narrowed it to either Spleen or Thyroid. The models photographed in the book are slender – I need to see a chunked up version to assess which category I fall into. The book also offers customized  diets and exercises for each profile.

I can’t vouch for the credibility of Mein’s theory, but like all the other claims out there, it doesn’t hurt to try – providing it is safe! If someone is telling you to eat grapefruits and sparkplugs all day, I’d say it’s probably some quack trying to make a quick buck.

Although I won’t be testing Different Bodies, Different Diets during 12 in 12, you might find flipping through the book entertaining. In a way, it feels like reading your horoscope – who knows, you might find something intriguing that helps you on your journey, or at the very least know if you should go on an extended vacation if Hypothalamus is in retrograde with Pancreas.

Like I said when I first set out in search for my after – there are countless plans, claims, and theories out there it makes my head spin. That’s why I’ll be sampling 12 of them over 12 months – I need to test-drive a few to see what works best for my obtuse self since one size clearly does not fit all.

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